Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
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I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Solving a traffic jam
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
For the ones in the back.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?