Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
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*pronounces surface like Versace*
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
This is me
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.