waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
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Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.