Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
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i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
The pen is writier than the sword.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!