My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
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If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.