I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
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Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix