I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
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me irl
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Husband of the year 😂
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.