It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
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put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
me as a parent
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.