So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
You Might Also Like
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Passwords are more important than ever.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
My wife gives the best headache.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.