A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
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the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
the clam before the storm
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy