*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
You Might Also Like
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
love pickles so much i put myself in one
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.