Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
You Might Also Like
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Oh hi lol
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.