WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
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“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Mission: Impossible
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret