The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
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I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days