Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
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The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.