The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
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Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
I have a black belt in leather
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!