[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
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It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy