Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
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You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla