What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
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I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
For the orator and chef in all of us
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.