inventing words: clothing
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no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Worst bar ever.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose