REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
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The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
#SuperBowl
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.