My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
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*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
yeah no that’s fair
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
consequences, the bane of my existence
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Worth remembering.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.