i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
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Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
I created you as mosquito food.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.