The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
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Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.