sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
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Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.