me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
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me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
quarantine day 3
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.