Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
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“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Mistakes were made
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Are we there yet?…
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Me irl
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines