These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
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Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
When taking your driving test:
1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Carpe DM
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Sing it!
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
i wish we could shoplift online
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?