I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
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Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”