My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
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[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*