People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
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my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.