Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
You Might Also Like
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
this is the best day of my life