I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
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I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama