Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
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Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds