got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
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True?
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.