Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
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I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony