I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
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Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you