I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
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Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
President The Rock Obama
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
*bites zombie*
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.