“You’d better run, egg!”
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25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
FRED: right
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Danger is very dangerous
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.