Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
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You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
classic mixup
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
What if the weather talks about us?
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Thursday
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.