Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
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fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Best spot.. 😅
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too