All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
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I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.