To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
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Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
#MeanwhileinCanada
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
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Me: Same
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower