Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
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GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.