Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
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Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*