GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
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At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Thursday Thought.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.