Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
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I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
this isn’t threatening at all
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix