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I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold