My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
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The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!