bugs when you lift up a rock
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Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
When someone says you are so lazy
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY